Friday, July 3, 2009

First Journal to Christa (Dec. 25, 2008)

Journal for Christa—

Reading your email had a tone of haunting familiarity—not that I’ve experienced anything to the extent you have. It has, though, caused me to ponder and search my endless days of overwhelmingness—days that now seem so very far away. We refer to them as my “lost years” because I have so few memories of them, which in some ways is sad because I did intend to enjoy them, and I think in many ways I did.

There was always so much to do, and nothing ever totally done. Now when I do laundry, it often makes me smile—3 or 4 partial loads a week compared to the daily never ending task. I don’t ever remember going to bed and the laundry ever totally done. The laundry weighed on me.

For a few months after Chris was born, we had diaper service. Each week you’d set the diaper pail on the front porch, and later that day a man would come and take away the dirty and leave tiny, snowy white diapers—neatly folded in a large plastic bag. I loved that.

I have no advice for you—other than to assure you that these days will surely unfold, and you will emerge into a new epoch of your life. There will be struggles, but they will be different and in many ways seem easier. Watch and wait during the days that the clock stands still.

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